Oh, Canada...

By Maria Espinoza

Hey, little sister. Yeah, you. You pale and pasty neighbors to the North. We know you hate us. Don’t lie. You hate us. Just like all little sisters hate their big sisters when their big sisters are being mean and arrogant, spoiled and selfish, tanned and beautiful. Go on and hate us. It’s OK. But you love us, too. You can’t help it. Sisters are that way.

We understand your hatred. You all see us better than we see ourselves. You have a vantage point that we can’t take advantage of. Sitting up there in the what we regard as a frozen wasteland of tundra and moose and maybe a few good beers, you must look down on us and shake your collective Canuck heads. Those silly, arrogant Americans. They think they are all that!

We don’t know many of you. Sure, a handful of hockey stars (do you play any other sports?) a few film and television stars, and a couple of good musical acts. Other than that, Canada is not much to us. A great place to visit in the summer and the country we share Niagara Falls with.

The truth is, ya hosers, we ARE all that. And you are lucky to be straddling our border. Why are the few hockey greats, a handful of film and TV stars, and a couple of musicians from your country big names? Because they made it big in America, thankyouverymuch.

Get used to it, little sister: you ain’t never catchin’ us and you need to learn to deal with your national inferiority. 

We know it hurts. We know it must seem unfair to you how we both sprang from Mother England and yet all the glory, power, fun, sun, sand, and surf goes to only one of her children. We are the favored nation. Mama’s favorite kid. But do you know what that feels like? It’s not easy being the one everyone looks to. We are sometimes envious of your shadowed existence. No one is ever on your case about anything. You can go hide in your room while we get called on the carpet all the time.

No one calls on Canada to solve the Middle East problem. (OK, we'll admit, we called on ourselves to solve that one, and we're not doing it very well.) No one bombs skyscrapers to the ground in your big cities. The Center for Disease Control is not in Ottawa is it? What about the United Nations? (We dont' pay our dues, we know. We sort of see ourselves as exempt from that.) It’s not easy being the big sister. We are expected to make straight As and excel at everything. We are expected to do all the extra-curricular stuff and to baby-sit the world when we get home from school.

We know you hate us. It’s always that way with sisters. If nations were the Brady Bunch, we are Marcia and you are Jan. Oh, Canada. We wish we could make it better. So, have you considered moving? A new place. A new start. If you were on the other side of the globe, things wouldn’t be so bad. In another hemisphere, Canada would be a very cool place that other nations really respected and looked up to. But you got stuck camped on our border. We’re sorry. Quit blaming us. It’s not our fault. OK. So, we are a little proud and stuck-up. But have you seen our report card? Did you hear who got elected captain of the cheerleading squad? And Homecoming Queen? Yes. It was us. We can’t help but be proud. Even the name of our flag is proud; The Star Spangled Banner. 

Still, you couldn’t ask for a nicer neighbor. We've left you alone all these years. Imagine a rogue nation to your South. Things wouldn’t be so peaceful. It would’ve been no big deal to include Northward expansion in our Westward push. We could’ve had you years ago. (The War of 1812 doesn't count. You were really just a British territory then. And we'll hand it to you, that burning down of the White House stunt you pulled was one very ballsy and memorable move. You repelled our invasions three times. We respect you for that. It was almost like a preview of Vietnam.) But do you ever ask yourselves why Canada has never been invaded by hostile forces? Well…DUH! You’ve got a big sister no one is gonna mess with. We’ve even got your back on the west end in that little outpost we like to call Alaska.

We’ve seen how you all take great pains when you are overseas to NOT be identified as Americans. You have those huge maple-leaf flags sewn on your backpacks and clothing. (By the way, that is a very nice flag. Subdued. Tasteful. It looks good on you.) The first thing you will tell a tour guide or a stranger you meet in Europe is that you are NOT from America. Do you hate us that much? It’s OK. We understand. But you love us too. You can’t help it. 

And we love you too, little sister. We’re glad we have a passive and friendly country on our border. A beautiful country that for the most part speaks the same language as us. You give us peace and rest and we are comfortable knowing a good friend stands so near. (Not that we can count on you for much of anything in a fight, but it’s still good to know you are with us most of the time, in small numbers and with much dissension.)

We are sisters of the Commonwealth. We just had a rebellious streak a little stronger than yours and left Mama’s apron strings dangling long before you did. And we’re really sorry if we have hurt your pride, national ego, or collective identity. We like you. We think you’re cool. We've embraced your exports to our country; Moosehead, Neil Young, Jim Carrey, SCTV, William Shatner, Cirque du Soleil, Rush, Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, the telephone, penicillin and other great things we assume we created.) You’ve done well, little sister. Keep up the good work.

But have you considered a few colorful stars maybe inside the maple leaf? Just a thought.

(Editor's note: Thanks to Daniel MacFarlane of Canada for his input.)

Email Maria Espinoza

See what RFB tried to do for Canadian football here.

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