US Postal officials released this map, showing the now effective Provinces of the United States.

WASHINGTON, DC - Postmaster General Jack Potter announced today that the United States has been divided into new territories.

The division occurred at an assembly of USPS Regional Managers and Delegates in El Paso, Texas. Or “El Paso, Texas, Desertania,” according to Potter.

Under the new plan, Americans are free to continue to use the old state names in the address line of USPS delivered items, but the province name must come after that.

“For instance, if you live in Avon, New York, you are now in Avon, New York, Colonia. It’s pretty simple, really,” Said Potter.

The USPS, beleaguered and showing steady losses in recent years, made the move based on advice from an advertising agency it hired to improve its image.

Janice St. James, creative director for Pure Bull Design of New York, asserts that her firm’s research revealed that a dramatic change was necessary.

“We were fighting a losing battle,” said St. James, “We simply can not turn the image of the USPS around. They are and always will be seen as a bureaucratic nightmare of red tape and inefficiency. Rather than fight that perception, which is deeply ingrained into the American psyche, we suggested that the best route to take would be to build on the strengths of the USPS, which are bureaucracy and inefficiency. I mean, other than their cycling team, what has the USPS given us lately?”

“This move to divide into provinces, or territories, will ensure that the USPS remains focused on providing more comprehensive bureaucracy and inefficiency,” said St. James, “And we are also counting on the American willingness to accept change. The USPS raises the postage rate at random and frequently and people still buy their new stamps. We as a people have learned to adapt to the USPS and its random decisions. Zip+4 is another example. That was a concept that frankly didn't catch on. Our client has plans to unveil in the coming weeks a new and more confusing 10-digit letter/number combination of postal coding that should also not catch on.”

Pure Bull Design did test-marketing in the various postal regions and abandoned an earlier plan to name the territories by their geographic locations, such as Northeast, Southwest, etc.

Says St. James, “It was too bland, even for the USPS. What we found was that Americans love fantasy. When we tested our ‘Fellowship of The Rings’ names on the various focus groups, it was obvious right away. They ate this up.”

Once the names were decided upon, the problem of which states would be put into which province became an issue for the Postmaster and his Managers to determine.

“There was a lot of squabbling within the Carolina and Georgia delegations. Some of them wanted to be in Colonia, as they were part of the 13 colonies, while others saw that as a betrayal of their Southern heritages and prefeerred to be in Atlantishire. Eventually it was simply put to a vote,” said Potter.

Potter also said that Louisiana delegates resented being grouped within Desertania, but were eventually convinced that swamps are really wet deserts. One major change was called for when Alaska garnered enough support to force an addition to the list.

“If you laid Alaska across a map of the continental United States, we’d stretch from Georgia to California. We are half your whole size. Why do we get lumped into Pacifica?” asks Barney Chadsworth of the Anchorage main post office. Chadsworth served as a delegate to the naming convention in El Paso.

“We wanted our own name that clearly said ‘Alaska,’ something like ‘Frontierland,’ but then Hawaii started raising a fuss about it, so we compromised and the two of us became West Pacifica,” said Chadsworth.

Asked when the change goes into effect, Potter answers, “Immediately. It already has. It’s done. Henceforth all mail that does not include the new province name will be returned to sender.”

As a campaign to unveil the Province Program to the public, Pure Bull suggested a coast to coast ride by the USPS Cycling Team.

"I don't think so," said Ken Carpenter, a USPS Masters Team rider, "Not unless you guys are paying me something huge will I ride all the way from Colonia or Atlantishire to Pacifica. I have a regular job too, ya know. And do you have any idea what Grainland and Desertania are like this time of year? You're whacked."

Senators from 11 different states have already filed Bills to block the USPS move, while some representatives in the House are forming coalitions based on the new provinces.

Potter argues that the change was mandatory for the survival of the USPS.

“I’m charged with keeping this beast afloat, and even making it profitable. With the Internet and email ripping our foundations out from under us, something had to be done. We thought we’d go into the electronic mail field, but really, when the public’s perception of us is already at an all time low, we can’t expect them to trust us with their email,” said the Postmaster.

Some government officials are enthusiastic about the change.

“My colleagues and I from Grainland embrace this bold move,” said Nancy Fotopolous, R-Kansas, speaking at a press conference called by Grainland House members, “We look forward to the change and we applaud our United States Postal Service for having the courage to usher in this new era of provinciality.”

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