NEWSFLASH!!!

Crucifixion “Sort of Gross,” says Roman Official

(ROME) Speaking in Latin through an interpreter, the Vice Consul of Capital Punishment for the entire Roman Empire, Flogius Maximus, has announced that crucifixion is indeed a very bloody and messy orgy of violence.

“First we must scourge the convicted party, which involves some pretty nasty weaponry applied to the backside. Naturally, this can hurt and often results in torn flesh, which as you might guess, will sometimes emit blood,” said Maximus.

“We have adopted this form of punishment as a way of telling our subjects that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of Rome. If you are a criminal contemplating a crime, you might think twice after seeing a fellow subject of the Empire go through this sort of torture. Why do you think we call it punishment? It’s not supposed to tickle.”

Maximus was responding to criticisms that crucifixion was too gory and bloody.

“Waaaa, waaaa, waaaaa,” said Maximus, “Can someone cut me some slack here? Need I remind you? I am the Vice Consul of Capital Punishment. Punishment, people! Thats' my job!. We’ve tried many ways in the past to execute criminals. We boiled them in oil, we starved them, we disemboweled them. I think we have finally arrived at a very refined form of cruel and unusual punishment. I am frankly proud of this new method. It’s brutal, shocking, disgusting, bloody, gory, messy and just plain nasty - and it should be quite the deterrent to crime. It’s really sort of gross. I’ve only seen a couple so far, and nasty though it was, I couldn’t look away.”

Crucifixion is a method of execution in which the victim is nailed or tied, usually naked, to a large wooden cross and left to hang there until dead. Simply binding the victim's limbs to the cross is the most common method while nailing the victim to the cross is reserved for especially serious cases. Death may come by exposure, but more often it comes by way of suffocation: as the victim becomes weaker, they cannot support their body's weight and their lungs become laboriously constricted.

“By the time that guy is up there, trust me, he’ll wish he were dead,” said Maximus, “We usually like to whip the crap out of them with broken bits of bone or scraps of metal tied to leather straps over and over and over again. Then we push them around and rip their clothes off, punch them, practice our wrestling moves on them. If the guy is convicted of rape, we probably rape him a few times. If he has stolen something, we might steal a few of his fingers, toes or another appendage. If he has made some sort of claim to kingship, we’ll make him a painful crown and put that on him. Our soldiers are highly skilled and very creative. We love our work and it shows.”

Maximus says critics questioning the brutality of his methods should simply not attend crucifixions and urges that at no time should a child be brought to a crucifixion.

“Let’s be sensible here, people. We’re executing criminals. What the heck do you want from me?”

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