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The
Heartland Pirates Prepare
SARS,
Gays, Terrorists,
War, Gangs, & the French
"Put 'em all together and you got you an Apocalypse."
(Sparta,
MISSOURI) “It's plain as the sun in
the sky," says Joe Zark, a farmer in
this rural town that lies between Springfield
and Branson in the Ozark hills, "Jesus
is comin' back and I'll be damned if he finds
me without my gun defendin' my own."
"You
got your fags and your diseases from Chiner
and the tobacco industry has gone to hell
thanks to the damned Latvians. Can't anyone
see what's goin' on? Americans have got
to rise up and start actin' like Americans.
We've got to take this country back for
God."
Zark
watches cable news and listens to Rush
Limbaugh when he isn't tending his fields
and his animals. His wife Emma doesn't
share his media passions. She can be found
bringing food to sick neighbors or visiting
the lonely when she isn't busy on the farm.
"Sure,
time's are scary," says Emma, "But
time's are always scary. Joe thought Hitler
was the antichrist.
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Joe and Emma Zark
of Sparta, Missouri
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"Then
he thought JFK was the antichrist. Then he thought
Jimmy Carter was the antichrist. He thought Grenada
was World War III. He thought Panama and Gulf War I
were World War III. I support Joe in all he does, but
I just can't be gettin' all crazed about it like him.
We kinda see it different, but don't get me wrong,
we're still of the same faith. I mean, life's short.
I got livin' to do yet. Is Jesus coming back? Well,
yeah. But I'll be doing what he asked when he gets
here if I'm still around."
"Mark my words, Mr. smartypants journalist," says Joe, "When the
French are workin' against us, what more sign do you need? That's right out of
the Book of Revelations!"
"He
means the Book of Revelation," Emma
whispers, "It's singular. I hate when people
call it Revelations. And I really don't think you
can find France in there. Not by name anyway. I've
never been able to tell Joe this, but God is NOT
an American."
"I
am stockpiled and ready for it, son. You mess with
me, you mess with my country, you mess with my President
and I will mess with YOU! And what's that car you're
drivin' anyway, boy?" Joe points to the Saab
in the gravel driveway. When Emma explains that Saab
is a Swedish company, Joe spits on the lawn. "I
know what them Swedes are up to, son. You ain't foolin'
me."
Emma
excuses herself to load her car with groceries for
a neighbor whose husband lost his job. Joe declines
her invitation to join her.
"That
lazy no good loser ain't never gonna get a job if
you keep feedin' his family, woman!" Joe hollers
as he heads to the barn. The barn's door is locked
and Joe glances around before opening it. On shelves
and on the dirt floor are canned goods and bottled
water.
"This
is for us. Ain't for anyone else. When the big economic
meltdown comes and the crap starts to hittin the
fan', me and Emma will be eatin' just fine," Joe
pulls back a tarp to reveal more mountains of food
and bottled water. "If I see so much as one
greasy and tattooed pants-down-his-butt little suburban
punk pretending to be a gangster with a low rider
even dare to drive in my driveway come the
Apocalypse, I'll waste him and think nothin' of it.
God have mercy on the little dog that tries to take
what's mine."
Emma
waves and smiles as she heads down the drive to the
highway.
"She
means well, poor woman. But you start lettin' your
heart bleed like that and next thing you're votin'
Democrat," Joe snarls, "Now you tell me
that ain't a sign of the end times! Christians votin'
Democrat. Sheesh! Whats' next? Dang it! I swear,
Abraham Lincoln is turning over in his grave to see
what we done to this country."
As
Joe bids goodbye, he offers one last bit of advice. "America's
got to get right with God. And God has got to bless
America. He's got to. He owes us, gosh darnit. And
NOW, dang it!"
*Editor's Note: At Radio Free Babylon™, we love Hillbillies and other people
who in their zeal may have a few things out of whack. Joe don't mean no
harm. Click here to see more of Joe.
©2007
Radio Free Babylon™, LLC All Rights Reserved.
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